White coat. Heels.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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