matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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