My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
