I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
