just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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