I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
