worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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