So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize