alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize