Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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