Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
