guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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