I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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