I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
