i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
