you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
