thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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