currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
