I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't put those talents on a resume
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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