i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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