They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
