I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
