my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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