Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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