Screwed.edu
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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