it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize