do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
