I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize