They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
