i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
