If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My ass is underappreciated
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
