Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
