Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize