Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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