Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
