Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
