Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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