The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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