Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is classic penis vs brain.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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