Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
