You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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