went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
