Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
