I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
