i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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