mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
