New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
