it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
