Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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