Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
