I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
