I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
