You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
