I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
