My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
