you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
