People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
